Winter is tough. It always seems to be either wet, cold, or downright frigid. Sickness is always around the corner. Overcast and shorter days make summer feel so very far away.
It’s so very easy to feel depressed. Sometimes it’s just coping with the little, day-to-day tasks. Other times, it hits you like a fully loaded transport truck doing 160km/h down the highway! Your whole world appears to be shattered beyond any hope of repair.
February was a tough month. Christopher’s beloved hen, Violet, died unexpectedly. It happened that Jesse fed the hens that evening as we came home from piano lessons. Many tears were shed with Christopher over this loss. Understanding this pain, a kind friend gave Christopher one of her own, older hens as a replacement. We named her Amber Rose, and it seemed like a recovery was in order.
Jesse and I had made arrangements to travel to the Bahamas together as part of his annual work conference. It had been over 10 years since we travelled together without our children, and needless to say: we were both looking forward to the trip! Close friends volunteered to care for our children, and I worked feverishly to plan, pack, and handoff our school schedule for the week. (Ambleside Online is a terrific resource, but it’s a ton of work to teach someone else to take over for three different years of Charlotte Mason-style studies!) Let’s just say, this mamma was looking forward to a wee holiday, even though I hadn’t a clue what I was going to do with myself for the first few days with Jesse in meetings 😉
Five days prior to our departure, the boys become ill: fever, diarrhea, and some vomiting. It seemed like our plans were unravelling. But then their symptoms began to clear up. Our dear friends still offered to take them — risk of sickness and all! Could we still go?
During that same week, the temperatures dipped below -30 (no need for a scale to disambiguate at that temperature). Once again, Jesse was feeding the chickens, and this time discovered Flower and Amber Rose dead. Tulip seemed to be near death herself, but we nurtured her back to health by wrapping her in a blanket and setting her near the pellet stove. (Thank you, James Harriott!) We sought to ease Christopher’s newfound sorrows, but without shielding him from the reality of life with animals. Nature can be a harsh teacher.
The day prior to our planned departure, Anne caught whatever the boys had had. Even though I trusted our friends to care for Anne through this sickness, I simply was not comfortable leaving her in that state. We made the last-minute decision for Jesse to go by himself.
Tulip died the very next day. It was like she had given up the will to live. It felt like so much loss in such a short time. To add insult to injury, two days after Jesse departed, all symptoms of the sickness vanished and everyone felt perfectly well. To say I felt a little gypped at the missed opportunity would be an understatement.
Tears are welling in my eyes as I write this. I don’t fully understand why God prevented us from travelling together. But I do know that He never stopped providing. He sent friends to encourage me and family in Christ to build me up. He reminded me that:
… My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness …
2 Corinthians 12:9
Jesse and I both had to hold on to God tightly through this time. Not because we were apart — I’m used to being home with the children through his many work trips. Rather we had both set our hearts on going together and reconnecting without the day-to-day responsibilities. But it all fell through. We both felt a deep loss, and frankly a fallen countenance. Yet I was reminded of what Scripture says,
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
This disappointment was tough. Yet in the hardship, we found encouragement by relying on God’s goodness. He is indeed able to bear every burden. (Psalm 55:22, Matthew 11;28-29, Philippians 4:6-7)
We praise God for His blessings despite the circumstances. Instead of having to bear the cost of an unused flight ticket, we found ourselves able to cancel my ticket, reschedule Jesse’s ticket to come home earlier, and cancel our extended hotel stay with a full refund — praise the LORD! I admit to not “feeling” grateful at the time, but looking back: what a blessing!
Two days after celebrating Jesse’s return, we received a phone call that his Pappa had died unexpectedly while wintering in Jamaica. This newfound sadness was compounded by the knowledge that Pappa had actively rejected Jesus Christ throughout his life.
Since his passing, we have found ourselves surprised, saddened, and downright confounded. And we find our potential travel plans to attend his funeral frustrated by none other than this Covid-19 virus. Yet God is good, and allows nothing into our lives that does not work together according to His will.
On the bright side, time change has begun — though the change should be altogether abolished in my humble opinion! With the sunshine starting “earlier”, and the days getting longer, the depression that is winter seems to be thawing.
The long and the short of my tale is this: trouble can seem to be everywhere, and loss and depression can take hold of us unexpectedly. But when these doubts and fears arise, I must choose to look to God and simply cry,
… Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven.
Matthew 6:10